Worst Vacation Ever
Not the one we just got back from, that was actually kind of nice if you forget about the 80mph gusts of winds and the fact that the boys would. not. sleep. when we first got down there and cried until 1:30am. But I've been hit with a bad case of blogger's block and realized that I've referenced The Worst Vacation Ever, but never actually told the story. Without further ado:
The time was 1998. Or 1999, I think I blocked it out. The place was Ocean City, Maryland. The participants were myself, my mother (who had just broken up with her second husband), my sister (who was 17 or 18), and her boyfriend who was 11 years older than her (and coincidentally 11 years younger than my parents) and will be referred to as Old Man. My mom thought it would be nice for us to get away for the weekend so we headed to the beach. My mom went down early in the day and I drove my sister and the Old Man (whom I did not like one bit) down later on.
As per our usual family Curse, the weather was terrible. There was a hurricane rolling up the coast naturally. Not ones to be deterred by a minor weather disturbance, we still went. We decided, geniuses that we are, to venture into the outdoor hot tub. We thought it was a little chilly for a hot tub, but thought maybe it just needed to warm up for a bit, turned it on, and hopped in. Well, after about 15 minutes of sitting in chilly, swirling water, we realize it's not getting warm. And the wind is picking up. Yet, the wind was blowing so hard that none of us wanted to get out of the water and expose wet flesh to the elements. So our band of Merry Men stayed submerged up to our necks in the cold, bubbling water until hypothermia set in and we made a run for it back to the hotel. At the desk someone decides to inform us the hot tub is broken. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
We head back to the room to warm up and go to bed. I had no trouble going right to sleep, which means that everyone else did. I snore. Loudly. They spent most of the night hitting me and rolling me over. I think they made this part up.
The next morning we head out on the Boardwalk. Hurricane force winds + sand = digging sand out of my scalp for the next week after we got back. We stopped to play a game, one of those things where you shoot the water pistol and try to make the balloon pop. We lined up Mom, Old Man, Sister, then me. Old Man won. The game attended shouted, "Dad won!", thinking he was our father. He handed the prize to my sister who said, "Thanks, Dad!" thereby ensuring Old Man was in a bad mood the rest of the trip. We pressed on, being sandblasted as we walked to some benches to look out at the ocean. My mom just cried the whole time, being upset about the upcoming divorce.
Weepy, Grouchy Old Man, Increasingly Grouchy Sister, and myself trudge back through the sandstorm to the hotel for the night. Another sleepless night (for them). We get up and just decide to go home. I go into the bathroom to get dressed and drop my last pair of clean underwear into the toilet. Grouchy Old Man and my sister decide to drive home with my mom, leaving me to drive home alone. I head out to my car and notice the door is ajar. Someone broke into my car, threw my CDs around, and stole the faceplate off my radio. Not the whole radio, just the faceplate. They can't use the faceplate alone and I can't use my radio without it.
So now I'm alone for a three hour drive without any music. Great. I stop about an hour into the ride to get gas. I fill up and go to get in my car just to find that I've locked my keys in the car. Of course the nearest locksmith is in the next town over, so I wait and wait and finally get my car unlocked. $50 later, I'm on my way again. Then I miss my exit and end up on the DC beltway and not the Baltimore beltway.
Roughly six hours later, I return home from what should have been a three hour drive, $50 lighter, no faceplate to the radio, feeling somewhat violated from having my car broken into, wearing yesterday's underwear since today's were wet with toilet water, sand embedded in my scalp, to find that my pet goldfish, that I'd had for eight years, had died.
And that was The Worst Vacation Ever.

